Episode 13 - Facing the Origin Story Part 1: From Survival to the Doorstep

New Multi-Part Series - Facing the Origin Story Part 1: From Survival to the Doorstep

There are stories that shape a life before a person is old enough to choose them. In this first episode, Ashlieya shares the story of growing up in survival mode, carrying deep fear, shame, and confusion around the man she knew as her father, and slowly learning that an origin story does not have to become an identity.

This episode begins with a vulnerable premise: it is not simply about trauma, estrangement, or family dysfunction. It is about the choice to build a self with intention rather than letting early pain decide who someone becomes. Ashlieya speaks openly about the battle between becoming the “evil queen” or the heroine in her own inner narrative, and about the years of work it took to understand that she did not have to become what hurt her.

What this episode explores

At the heart of this conversation is a question many people carry in one form or another: what happens when the person connected to your earliest pain also becomes part of the story you have told yourself about who you are?

In this episode, Ashlieya reflects on:

• Growing up in a state of survival and feeling marked by darkness from an early age.

• Believing for years that her family history might determine her own future.

• Hitting seasons of depression, hopelessness, and deep inner struggle before moving into a more grounded, intentional life.

• Doing the slow work of emotional healing, self-examination, and identity-building.

• Experiencing a profound meditation that helped her feel the humanness of both her father and grandmother, rather than only the pain associated with them.

• Reaching a place where forgiveness no longer meant denial, but clarity, compassion, and choice.

The turning point

One of the most powerful movements in this episode is Ashlieya’s description of no longer identifying herself with a tragic story. She does not minimize what happened, but she insists that tragedy is something she experienced, not the definition of who she is.

That shift becomes the emotional foundation for everything that follows. Rather than remaining frozen in fear, rage, or apathy, she begins to ask a new question: if the man she remembered as a monster were to die, would she regret never facing him, never testing her memory against reality, and never seeing who he had become after nearly twenty years of estrangement?

From reflection to action

By the end of Part 1, the story has moved from internal transformation to a very real threshold. After years of distance, meditation, and reflection, Ashlieya decides to try to find Carl. With the help of her brother, she chooses to step toward a meeting she once would not have imagined possible.

The title From Survival to the Doorstep is literal as well as symbolic. This episode ends at the edge of encounter: not yet in the full conversation, but at the point where a life shaped by survival arrives at a front door with courage, curiosity, and hard-earned inner steadiness.

Why this conversation matters

This episode offers more than a personal history. It gives language to the inner work of refusing victimhood without denying pain, practicing forgiveness without excusing harm, and building identity from chosen meaning rather than inherited chaos.

For listeners who have wrestled with family estrangement, trauma, shame, or the fear of becoming what hurt them, Part 1 offers a deeply honest starting place. It reminds us that healing is not always dramatic in the beginning. Sometimes it looks like telling the truth, honoring every part of the self, and finding the courage to walk up to the doorstep.

Looking ahead

Part 2, Compassion with Boundaries, continues the story as Ashlieya sits down with her estranged father face to face. The next episode moves into the conversation itself, what was revealed, and how compassion can coexist with truth, discernment, and firm boundaries.

Listen to the episode

Episode title: Facing the Origin Story Part 1: From Survival to the Doorstep

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Thank you for being a Builder of a Better World—from the inside out.

Episode 13 - Facing the Origin Story Part 1Builders of a Better World

53:20

Transcript:

Welcome to Builders of a Better World Podcast, a space for depth, clarity, and honest conversation, where presence matters more than performance. Let’s begin.

Ashlieya: singing Builders of a Better World podcast. 

Neff: Oh, that was excellent.

Ashlieya: Yeah?

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: Builders of a Better World Podcast. Hi. Here we are—Building a Better World. Today was an MMA day; we’re going cas[ual]. I pretty much woke up like this.

Neff: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Ashlieya: Some girls, women—men, too; everybody—there are people who really do themselves up before they get on camera and do a podcast; I didn’t do that today.

Neff: No, you did not.

Ashlieya: Nope, this is pretty much how I look. 

Neff: We did MMA, puppy time.

Ashlieya: Yes—puppy time. I’m probably wearing the evidence on my clothing. 

Neff: That went really well, and then breakfast time. And now… podcast. Builders of a Better World. 

Ashlieya: Thank you for being here—we’re so glad to have you.

Neff: Excellent.

Ashlieya: So excellent. 

Neff: Yeah, let’s talk about what we’re going to talk about today. I’d like to facilitate… yeah, is that okay?

Ashlieya: Yeah, spontaneous, I’m into it. Let’s go… fly, fly, fly by the seat of our pants.

Neff: I’d like to facilitate a conversation about something that recently you did. 

Ashlieya: You were part of it for some of it. 

Neff: I was part of some of it, but I’m talking about Carl—a person who was a big part of your life when you were younger, and then you didn’t see him for many years. You actually went and saw him just this last weekend.

Ashlieya: I did.

Neff: Can we talk about Carl—who he is?

Ashlieya: We can. Firstly, just to get folks tuned in: I’m hoping that this podcast episode, which will probably be in multiple parts, will highlight a semblance of… I hope this episode will be reflective of positive intention, goodwill, free will to exercise choices, forgiveness, and self-development—not just “I’m going to work on my emotional literacy” but rather building one’s identity. Really not allowing your origin story, the family or environment you were born into, to determine who you become. Rather, utilizing your chosen lessons and the meaning you assign to those lessons to fuel you in a way where you can become optimally strong and resilient, and also forgiving.

Neff: Yeah—exactly what you’re just saying. When you go through certain situations you have an opportunity to make a choice to either play the victim or rise above it. You know what I’m saying?

Ashlieya: Yeah, I think... yes. I hope this can be a true story, because this is a true story. And I feel vulnerable about it, but not in a fear-based way, just in the sense of, like, this is something that I don't talk about, and now I'm gonna be very forthcoming and public about talking about it. So it's just showing my insides on my outsides, which is something I intentionally want to do.

And also, you know, for me, the arc in my hero's journey thus far has a lot to do with choosing, I guess, in a nice, like, fantastical fairy tale sort of way, whether or not to be the evil queen or, you know, the heroine at the end of the day. I know that I have the freedom of choice to go either way. And I could have very easily become the villain that the hero was meant to one day defeat.

And I think there was a battle amongst my selves and all my parts, and... just that happened. And that's what we're here to talk about today.

Neff: Yeah, and I want to bring up, because, I mean, your journey, like you're mentioning, is of hero or evil queen, right? And there's another, I think, possible direction that people can take, kind of, different experiences, and that is to get to a very hopeless kind of, you know, not being able to do anything about their situation, if that makes sense.

So, you know, it's very interesting because obviously everybody's personal experiences are their own. You're gonna talk about yours, you know, and what you went through and kind of what direction you took your life, which I have been able to see a little bit of, and I'm very—I just want to tell you I am very proud, or impressed, I guess is the right word.

Ashlieya: Thanks.

Neff: But yeah, I think easily, you can also become that hopeless, like, “can't do anything” kind of a scenario. And that, I don't think, would have ever been you, just because you have such a strong personality. You know what I mean?

Ashlieya: Well, I mean, I struggled with depression for a long time.

Neff: Sure.

Ashlieya: And I had some suicidal ideation.

Neff: Right.

Ashlieya: You know, throughout. And I really hit, like, a rock bottom, 25, 26 years of age. And so, no, I would say that I had my, um, you know, moment—temporary incarceration within the pit of despair.

Neff: Sure.

Ashlieya: If you are a Princess Bride fan, you know what the reference is. 

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: But no, I had a moment where I was—I think I was inflicting some self... there was definitely some self‑inflicted torture, and there were definitely some moments of, yeah, feeling hopeless. I would say that I surrendered to that for a temporary duration.

I think that is a part of, you know, the human experience, to some extent, is to make a pit stop in this kind of island of desperation, and just feeling like all is lost. I think there is a part of that. And then you do, just like anything else, hopefully move through it.

And that's what this journey was, is moving through all of this. 

Neff: And learning that you have a choice, and you actually have the power to make that choice, to decide how to transmute or not transmute.

Ashlieya: It's a lot of prefacing. Should we get into it?

Neff: Yeah, let's do it.

Ashlieya: Okay. So, like—and we have the power of editing, so we can cut a lot of this stuff if we want to, fortunately.

So you asked me who Carl was. Carl was the man that—he was the only known dad figure in my life. That came to change over time, and that's a whole separate story, which we can get into another time. But I was told, “This is your father,” and I grew up, you know, just kind of exposed to what he was.

I don't need to get into details, and I don't need to share horrific experiences. I don't need to put that out there. But, you know, there was—I was in a state of survival for most of my young life. And there was a lot of darkness, and there were really kind of dire circumstances at times. It was extreme and it was dramatic.

And so that does something to you as this little human. And the last episode or incident with this dad of mine, Carl—it's still really hard for me to call him “Dad” for multiple reasons—I was 12 when I was last essentially forced to spend time with him. An incident happened.

Years passed. I went to a family reunion at the age of 15, hadn't seen or heard from him since, so it had been three years. And age 15, I'm at this family reunion. He approaches me and says, “Can I talk to you?” I say, “No.” I was in front of a group of people, and that was the last I had ever seen or spoken to him.

So it had been 20 years since I had ever shared space with him, ever exchanged any words or energy of any kind. It was 20 years, almost exactly 20 years, which is really kind of crazy.

And he destroyed pretty much every relationship he's ever been a part of, including other relatives. So there was a distancing, and then at 15, I distanced myself from the rest of his side of the family, and hadn't had anything to do with them whatsoever as well, on my own accord and choosing for a variety of reasons.

And I was very—I need to share this—I had been very embarrassed of this side of the family. I had a lot of judgment cast onto them, a lot of projection about who they were. I essentially saw them to be, you know, degenerate kind of humans, not very, you know, contributing to society. And I found them to be very dishonest and toxic. They were not thriving humans. Certainly not an area of resourcefulness or support.

So at 15, I didn't have anything to do with any of them. And still don't have anything to do with any of them. And then I grew up, worked through my stuff, which was a whole process and a very long story.

And the last couple of years, I'd been doing a lot of inner work about really looking at myself and all the parts of myself, and really coming to love all the parts of myself, and being, you know, just audaciously honest about my authenticity and how I want to move through the world, and who I'm building myself to be. And really letting go of a lot of fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment. Really transmuting that energy, and just honoring it as a piece of my story, and chapters that I moved through, and that I'm very proud to have moved through now.

And it's not “in spite of.” It's in some way—it was aided by. And I really want to talk about that, because I believe—and I'm an example of this—you can have unfortunate circumstances, really unfortunate circumstances. Again, I don't need to share details about what my upbringing was like or what my childhood was like, but it was, some would say, tragic. And that's okay.

I look back now with so much love and joy and honest appreciation. And I do say joy and appreciation—that’s very true. I do believe I had everything I needed, because I turned out okay, and I chose to turn out okay.

Neff: Well, I mean, to your point, you know, you are writing these books, you know, “nervous system mastery,” all of this stuff. And you have said it before, and this—I mean, this is another example of how you have lived what you're teaching.

Because I don't want to downplay—I know you don't want to give details, but I mean, there were survival moments. You know, we talk about not needing to live in survival mode, do you know what I mean? In those moments, you needed to live in survival mode. I mean, there were times when you had to tap into, you know, what your ancestors did, you know, to actually make it through—literally—in one incident where you had to make it through surviving a couple of nights, you know what I mean?

Ashlieya: Yes.

Neff: So you understand personally the difference between being in survival mode and not needing to be in survival mode.

Ashlieya: And thriving.

Neff: Yeah, exactly, exactly.

Ashlieya: Yeah. Being present with peace and goodness and, you know, even just a semblance of neutrality. Just being okay.

Neff: So that's—I think it's important to note that. The journey, like you're saying, was a benefit to you because you took the experiences and you learned what you needed to learn from them, and then turned it into something beautiful, in a sense, right?

Ashlieya: Well, thank you. I would like to think so.

I mean, yes, I'm a very happy person now. I still have my normal human stuff. You know, I have to make my way around the emotional wheel and, again, make a stop in honoring each nuanced kind of state that we tend to find ourselves in, and the perception that you have of different things.

It's really important to honor that it's all transient. It's just a temporary thing. And so thoughts can be fleeting and they're not always positive. And you find the really warm, lovely ones that you just want to allow yourself to sit and just be fully embraced by. And it's being present to the really good ones that I think is where the magic is. And understanding that anything negative is just temporary and essential. It just is. It's a part of what we have to go through and endure, and then make something beautiful from, as you're saying.

That's the—this is the way.

So, I did that, and it was a very long journey. And it’s not over—because it's never over. And I, years ago, essentially was taking myself apart piece by piece, and choosing what I wanted to keep, and what I wanted to transform in some way.

And, you know, this kind of monster phantom figure that I had, kind of looming in the back of my memory, was this man who was intended to take the position of being my father. And I thought I was born from, you know, the spawn of Satan, and I grew up thinking that I was inherently gonna be a bad person, because I was descended from what I perceived to be…

Neff: Genetically a bad person, right?

Ashlieya: Yes. I thought I was. I thought I was meant to be evil because I thought I came from evil. It's really what I believed.

I would pray, and I would go to church, and I would, like, you know, just try to make peace with, again, with this kind of... I was always—I was raised by books and TV and movies. And so I always had this very story‑like narrative that I would form in my head. And we know humans require narrative to conceptualize things.

And so I did. I told myself that I was essentially going to become a villain that a hero would one day have to face and ultimately defeat. Because I hoped for a happy ending, even if it meant I was taken down, I was like, “Well, this is just my piece of the circle in this world.”

Neff: Isn't it amazing, what stories we tell ourselves?

Ashlieya: Yeah. I mean, as a kid, right, you tell yourself all sorts of things.

So, I did a lot of, you know, work of all sorts, and, you know, we can get into that any time, if you want to hear more of what that's like. Please let me know. I'll give specifics. I'll give specific stories. I'll go into what my process was. But I do write about it. And everything I speak about now, and everything that I've come to collectively present in my work, is what I have done.

Neff: Yeah, it's the process you've gone through, for sure.

Ashlieya: Exactly.

So, a couple of years ago, I had a very profound meditation. I had asked, when I was about 24, to understand forgiveness—like, really understand forgiveness. I was like, “I want to—please, God, angels, universe, the divine—help me understand how to forgive, how to truly, truly, truly forgive.” And a journey began.

And, you know, years went by. A couple of years ago, I sat down having my meditation. There were two people that needed honorable mentioning on a continual basis when it came to my alchemizing of the parts I didn't really like about myself, right? The parts that were just not as comfortable, the parts that were harder to look at, the parts that I didn't really want to take with me moving forward as they were. That was my grandmother and Carl.

And in this meditation, completely sober—no ketamine, no psilocybin, no nothing—I'm just having my normal self‑maintenance, ever‑growing, ever‑expanding, “being the love” kind of self‑care ritual. And in that meditation, I was able to embody—like, genuinely embody—his humanness.

And it was the first time I could ever honestly conceive him as being a human, because for the last 20 years and more, my recollection of him would have described him as a monster. It would have described him as brutally, sadistically apathetic, and completely devoid of morals, and very destructive, very dark, and intended to be so. I felt he was enjoying moments where he was creating a lot of discomfort, especially for me and for my mom. And I felt like I personally witnessed this directly.

And in that meditation, I was able to see the complete paradox of that, and this opposite contrast, this understanding. Again, I felt it. I really believe that I was radiating at a comparable frequency. It was coming into my awareness as if I was an extension of it—of the humanness, of the inherently good, or neutral, that we are capable of. It's in there.

I was able to feel the essence that was an extension of him, that I never got to know or experience until that moment, but it was there. I was able to feel that he had that. And he was just “humanning” the only way he knew how.

And the same thing for my grandmother. I was able to feel her goodness, her goodness. There are parts of her that are very good and very honorable. She has this way about her where she does try to do the right thing. She's just a little oblivious at times with regards to what that actually is for those she's directly affecting. In her mind, she's doing right, and, again, she has these intentions.

So to really be able to feel that was incredibly profound, and dramatically propelled the trajectory of my journey in being able to really have absolutely no resentment for these two people. And step into that truest forgiveness, where I could share space with them, knowing that they're just somewhat unfortunate, flawed beings who just don't view other options the way that I view other options, as far as how to live, how to navigate life, how to make decisions, how to act with intention. You know, this idea of self‑love, this living in self‑love, I felt wasn't as available to them. And that, to me, of course, felt sad, and I want that for them. You want that for everyone.

And so it didn't excuse what had happened to me and the things that I had remembered from my childhood. But it did really help to understand that, you know, people in their beingness sometimes can get a little stuck and a little lost. And Carl came to feel, after that meditation, just like a soul that got a little lost.

Neff: Yeah, one of the things that this experience, and the way that you're telling it, brought to me was, you know, we deal with people on a day‑to‑day basis, and our perspective is all that we have of them.

Ashlieya: Yes.

Neff: And I feel like what you did is, you got to this point where you saw a little bit of his journey, in a sense. When you talk about the people that we deal with—whether it be our family, friends, strangers, it doesn't matter—they all started as little babies. You know what I mean?

And they went to being toddlers, and they went to being little young men and young women, and they're going through this experience called life, just like we are. And they are also having experiences that are shaping them and moving them in directions. And if they don't have the tools, you know, that maybe we have to sustain something more positive, then, of course, they're gonna get stuck, or they're gonna get lost, or they're gonna have challenges that maybe we won't or don't. 

Ashlieya: They become a creation of their circumstance.

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: Rather than allowing their circumstance to simply be a piece of the building blocks, because it is a part of us. It is what we went through. It is what we experienced. It is our ego, all that which we've ever known or experienced. But that's the point, and you're absolutely right. You don't know what you don't know.

So when you're this young, impressionable child, and you're being influenced by your surroundings, you're being exposed to, “This is the way of the world. These are the laws of the land.” And you're only shown so much. You know, when there's a whole other variety of, just again, these frequencies, this vibration, this energy, this goal, this ambition, this drive, motivation, inspiration, creativity, this love. If you don't have exposure to that, if you're never shown that that is possible, you don't know that it's possible. It has to come into your awareness. You must observe it.

You must obtain, you know, somehow this orientation that allows you that perspective. And, yeah, I've really come to understand, especially after my conversation with Carl, that he just didn't—he wasn't put in opportunities where he could perceive that, for whatever reason.

Neff: Yeah, his environment was, you know, similar to your own in some ways, when he was a kid. And…

Ashlieya: Yeah, he continued the cycle.

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: Yeah. He was made of what he had experienced. What his perception was dictated the decisions he made, how he viewed the world, and therein is what he continued to contribute to and be as, yes.

Neff: That's right. And I think that what you're standing for and what you're trying to accomplish is to…

Ashlieya: Be the change.

Neff: Be the change of those situations, you know what I mean? Like, create scenarios where that doesn't have to happen, right? Where people do have the tools to transmute whatever it is that is negative into something more positive—gratitude, love, acceptance, whatever that means, right?

Ashlieya: Yeah, it's just—it's, you know, it's choice and it's intention.

But yeah, so that meditation really shifted things for me, and I was so grateful for it. So grateful for it. I talked about it a lot after it first happened. It was something that I just felt was a huge blessing for me, for my soul, for my ability to, again, just take that next step towards really pure, absolute forgiveness. And take that next step in the progression I was already working towards, which is, again, to reflect upon my childhood with the truest sincerity of, “I had everything I needed, and it was actually okay.”

It wasn't right, and it shouldn't happen to anyone, and I wouldn't wish it onto anyone. But ultimately, I don't have a tragic story. I experienced tragedy, as we all do. And it's a piece of the puzzle, and I have thousands of pieces to the puzzle that is the collective of all that I am, and that is just one single piece. And I'm gonna take that piece and make it mean something good. And that's what I've done.

Neff: I need to say this, because that—the way that you said that is exactly why you are where you are. And that is that you don't have a tragic story. In other words, you don't identify yourself with this tragedy.

Ashlieya: Absolutely not.

Neff: You had an experience.

Ashlieya: That's right. That’s right.

Neff: And I think that that's the difference, right? When we go through stuff, sometimes we identify ourselves with that situation or that experience, and we actually put pieces of us, pieces of ourselves in it, saying, “This is now who I am. I am somebody who was, you know, abused,” or “I am somebody who was,” whatever, “wronged in this way.” And you just said it exactly the way we should look at it, and that is, that's not who you are. There was a situation that you experienced, but you are not that person.

Ashlieya: And look what I moved through. Like—

Neff: Yeah, it's beautiful. It's really great.

Ashlieya: Look what I moved through. Like, what? Like, I can be happy and healthy and love myself and love them.

Neff: Yeah. I have to say that I was there when you did do that—not when you were doing the meditation, but I was there after the meditation. I knew the situation a little bit—like, probably at least 80 percent of it. And, you know, when I heard the stories, I was like, “Okay, we're gonna—we're gonna take this guy,” you know what I mean?

Ashlieya: Yeah, a lot of people are like, “Okay, we're gonna take him out.”

Neff: “Take him out.” Of course we didn't, obviously. But, you know, it's the first response to, you know, when somebody does something bad to you, blah, blah, blah, whatever. And it's like—and then I heard about the meditation, and I heard that you were like, “Yeah, I was able to feel his humanness,” you know, which aided you in forgiveness.

Ashlieya: He wasn't purely a monster. He wasn't just a monster.

Neff: Yeah. And with my personal experience—I come from a very religious background—so when you hear the word “forgiveness,” and you hear the words “forgive and forget” and whatever, to me—and again, this is my own personal experience, I'm not saying this is for everybody—but to me, sometimes it gets a little surfacy, because it's like, yes, you're supposed to forgive everybody and forgive and forget everybody, whatever. And so, you know, it's just this “this is what you're supposed to do.”

And then you took it to a level that was, in my opinion, the epitome or the true sense of forgiveness. And, you know, I don't know if that's a good segue, but, like, your experience with him just recently, actually going and seeing him, you know…

Ashlieya: Which everyone—you know, the few people I do talk to, because my inner circle is really quite small. You know, I have an intimate little group of my ride-or-dies, yourself included. 

Neff: Thank you. 

Ashlieya: Very grateful, very grateful. 

Neff: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Me too.

Ashlieya: And, you know, so for a couple of years—well, backing up—prior to that meditation, during COVID, my brother, you know, was like, “Okay, you were right. I'm absolutely writing him off. He's a destructive, wicked, evil, manipulative scam artist. He will take down anyone he can. You are so right. I tried to have a relationship with him recently, in my adult life, and he burned me horrifically.”

I'm like, “I'm so sorry, Travis. I'm so sorry that that was your experience.” And he said, “I just want you to know he's sick. He might be dying.” And I'm like, “Oh, okay. All right. Well, it’s gonna happen.”

And that was, you know, COVID, so six years ago, maybe five years ago. And a couple of years forward after that, I have this meditation. I see his humanness. I embody his humanness. I'm like, “Wow, this is really incredible. He's just kind of ignorant and, you know, has this kind of existence that is really just very unconscious. He's very unconscious. This is so sad.”

He's, like, navigating life on autopilot, asleep, and is purely just moving from his wounds to other wounds, to wounding, to being wounded, to wounding. It's just a series of woundedness. It's really sad.

And so, I had the thought after that, for a little while of, you know, “Oh, if he passed, would I regret not facing the monster in some way? Would I regret not appeasing my curiosity about what he's like now?” I had a lot of—not questions—but, you know, I hadn't seen him really since I was 12. And there was a lot of, again, just a series of events that involved him that were really dark.

So I started to question if the intensity and the gravity, the, you know, the “drami-tas” of that situation, was real, or if I, in my young, fantastical, very imaginative recollection in the stored memory bank, if things got embellished. If he really was so dark, if he really was so monstrous, if I had sort of—you know how our brains go with memory, sometimes, our memories get a little shifted from what originally happened in truth.

And so I did kind of wonder: was it really as intense as I recall it being?

Neff: Or was it just a story you were telling yourself?

Ashlieya: Or was it just a moment, and I made it bigger than it was? I made it worse than what it was. I just feel so deeply and I'm so emotional, right? And so maybe I just—maybe, you know, it cut and my perception of it was just so much deeper than it actually was.

Neff: Sure.

Ashlieya: I wondered this.

So, I had a cat, Bravery—little rescue situation. He needed some TLC. Brought him into the home in my spare bedroom, where he lived for a couple of months. He's nursed back to health. We need a new home for this cat. My mom, lovely, wonderful, has two cats. What's a third? “I'll take him.” He's so loving and so sweet. This cat is just amazing. I love him so much, really wish I could keep him, but my wolfies would have eaten him. So it would not have been a good situation for him to live his life in my spare bedroom. Odin, the biggest, eldest wolf, definitely really wanted to have him for dinner.

Neff: He did. He wanted a snack.

Ashlieya: Yes.

Neff: He wanted a Bravery snack. 

Ashlieya: He did. He did. And Bravery, you know, holding true to his name, requires nine lives. He is one of those cats that—yes, he is the reason cats require nine lives. He's not stupid, but he's just this pure, loving, wanting‑to‑be‑friends‑with‑everybody, wanting‑to‑see‑the‑good‑in‑all‑creatures, including wolves.

Neff: Yeah, curiosity does truly sometimes kill the cat, because he was curious. He was extremely curious. 

Ashlieya: Very interested in getting comfy with Odin, and Odin was very, very willing to have him in his mouth.

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: Mom, Operation Cat Transplant. I bring this cat to my mom. And because I was going there, because I was making this trip to deliver this cat, I had the thought of, “Well, now might be a good time if I wanted to try and find Carl.” No idea where he's living, no idea whether he's alive or dead.

I had all these really profound experiences that led to just a series of incredible synchronicities, you know, when I was last in the UK. And it was just always very “meant to be,” things aligning to my honoring this side of the family, really owning the idea of chosen family. And, again, just really walking the walk with everything I talk about being, and aspiring to be, and working towards becoming. And I felt I had an opportunity to really, again, level up in that way.

Neff: Well, and you came to that—like you're saying, you came to that understanding that him being a part of your life was what brought you to where you are, in a sense.

Ashlieya: It's my response to it that brought me to where I am.

Neff: Right, right, right. That's what I mean. 

Ashlieya: You go through challenges, you go through adversity, you go through moments of pain and struggle. And in every single one, every single one of those, you're presented with the opportunity to improve yourself.

Neff: Right.

Ashlieya: To better yourself.

Neff: Right.

Ashlieya: To grow, to build strength, to build resistance, to develop this area of yourself for the sake of being better able to thrive. And I really believe that. Everything we experience can condition us to being the happiest, healthiest versions of ourselves.

Neff: When we talk about, like, the challenges of our lives are for us to become better.

Ashlieya: Correct. Correct. You just have to look at it that way, move through it that way. Honor your grief, honor your sadness. You know, get that anger out, practice forgiveness. Go through your self‑love routines. Really make sure to instill that piece of yourself. Alchemize, transmute, get it all in there, get it all worked out, and then move forward in your highest vibration.

Neff: That's right. And I'm just reiterating—you did this, right? You went through the process. It's not something that you theorize.

Ashlieya: Nope.

Neff: This is practicality, you know what I mean? This is doing the work. It's having the experience, understanding what the experience is for, and doing the work. And we now are continuing that work, right?

Ashlieya: Yes. Well, again, the self-improvement journey is neverending.

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: So, I had the thought of, “Well, I don't want to make a separate trip just to go find him.” I had, when I was in Scotland—actually, I think it was in York, in England, actually, I believe—I was looking for his death certificate, to see if he was even still alive.

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: And I couldn't find one. So I was like, “Okay, I guess he's maybe still alive.” And I contact my brother. I didn't want to reach out to any other relatives, and I knew that he was probably estranged from other relatives anyway. But I nonetheless didn't really want to open those doors.

So I reached out to my brother, knowing that he had had contact with him a couple of years prior. And I just said, “Hey, if I wanted to find Carl, would you be able to help me?” And of course, my brother's like, “Why?”

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: “What do you mean, ‘find’? Why?” Like, “What? Like, what?” Like, “Why? You didn't...” 

Neff: Like anyone would do, yes. 

Ashlieya: “What's the change of heart? Last time you were like, okay, he can go die, no problem. You had no interest, no curiosity. You've expressed nothing about wanting to see him ever.” You know? “So what the heck?”

And I was like, “Well, bro, like, just hypothetically, then, would you be able to know or find out where he is?” He's like, “Well, yeah.” He's like, “I have his last known phone number and last known address. I'll even reach out to him for you and see, you know, whatever—are you wanting to, like, meet up with him? Like, what's the deal? Are you wanting to cause drama? Are you wanting to beat him up?” My brother was like, “What are you—like, are you fighting him, murdering him? Like, what's the—you know, I'm on board.” Like, he was like, “I've got your back. I just want to know what your plan is.”

Neff: Yeah, yeah.

Ashlieya: And I just said, “It just—you know, I have some questions, maybe.” I said, “I don't even know. I just—I think it feels a little bit like just facing the monster. I have some curiosity. Call it morbid curiosity, call it whatever you want. I just don't want to have any regrets.” And if he is, you know, due to depart this world in the imminent future, I would just like to say that I exercised my ability to do this. And then, you know, I will never have to face this “Oh, I should have,” or “What would have been,” or... You know, my questions for myself, even, about this childhood projection, phantom figure. Like, was that real? All the things.

Neff: Yeah, you never usually regret the things you do. Usually, it's usually you regret the things you don't. 

Ashlieya: You can always say, “Oh, shoot, I shouldn't have done that,” but, you know, whatever.

Neff: Yeah. 

Ashlieya: Again, use it for fodder for your character, the seasoning for your character.

Neff: That's right.

Ashlieya: And then just, you know, do stand‑up like I do. Just write humor, write comedy, write your stories, just make it funny, and then it's never in vain.

So I was like, “Okay, please, yes, if you would, reach out to him, see if we can coordinate.” My brother was like, “I want to go with you.” I was like, “Well, why is that important to you?” And he was like, “I just really want to.” And I'm like, “Okay, I mean, I don't mind. That's fine.”

So we set it up, and that whole day, in anticipation of this, was also, again—I was still present with all the things that had prepared me to be able to do what I was about to do in the nature and spirit I was about to do it in. I had no fear. I had no resentment. I had pure intentions. I wasn't wanting to, in any way, punish him or harm him. I didn't want to make him feel badly. I wanted to speak honestly, and I wanted to be authentic, but I knew I had no ill intent whatsoever.

And that's extremely powerful. I speak about that when it comes to knowing how to positively self‑advocate. It's much easier to have difficult conversations when you know you have pure intentions, and you know that you're wanting to be of service to yourself as well as the situation. It's a mutually beneficial situation. And I had this sense, for some reason, that he would have wanted to see me.

So my mom, she was like, “I'm very nervous and uncomfortable that you're doing this.” Dinner, just before we went over to where he lives—my mom was like, “Why? Why? Why are you doing this?” And my brother, again—we had had, like, a two‑hour conversation about it the night prior—he was like, “Yeah, why are we doing this?” 

Neff: Yeah, I think we all kind of were like, “Why? Why?”

Ashlieya: And my answers were, like, you know, I usually have a lot of complicated responses to things, because I'm a fairly complex human. It's very difficult for me to give simplified answers because I don't really think very simplistically about things.

Neff: I know. That's why you keep me in your life.

Ashlieya: True. That's true. So, yeah, sometimes the masculine brain does have a way of really stripping things down to almost a too‑simplified form.

Neff: Yeah, I’m really good at that. I'm super, super good at oversimplifying. It's great. 

Ashlieya: We bring a balance.

Ashlieya: Yes, we bring a balance there. Yeah.

So I was like, “I don't have a simple answer, guys. I am not sure. I just want to see. I'm feeling called to do this. I don't feel I'm putting myself in any danger, or I wouldn't be doing it.” You know, again, everyone—because my mom was like, “If I were to see him, I would run him over with my car.” Like, it was these things, like, “How can you purposefully be doing this?”

And my brother gave me a fair warning. And he was like, “Hey, I'm sure his living environment is the same as it's always been. It's gonna be filthy. Just emotionally know this. I think they have dogs. It's—” You know, I love dogs. I'm a huge dog person. But he was speaking in the sense of, like, filth. Like, there's probably gonna be filth. And I'm a clean person. I like things very clean.

I actually went through a dramatic OCD germophobia chapter of my life because of aspects of this childhood.

Neff: I remember it, yeah.

Ashlieya: Yeah. So we've—we're balanced now. We manage. And I no longer have germophobia. I no longer have obsessive‑compulsive tendencies. 

Neff: …for the most part. 

Ashlieya: I just—I like to look nice, and I like things—I like my whites to be white, you know?

Neff: That's okay.

Ashlieya: Yeah.

Neff: Nothing wrong with that.

Ashlieya: So he—I was like, “Thank you for the warning.” And I asked him again at dinner. I said, “You know, why? Why is it so important for you to come? I can do this alone. I don't need you to be here with me.” And he said—he's my younger brother, but now he's, you know, six feet tall and in his thirties, which is crazy. Having procreated himself, I have a niece who looks just like him.

So he's a man now. And he says, “Because I never protected you when we were kids.” And I went, “Oh.”

Neff: Wow. 

Ashlieya: “So you just want to stand in the corner with a puffed‑up chest?” And he's like, “Yes. Yes, I do. Give me that. I've got your back, sis.” I'm like, “Okay, sure.” 

Neff: And he knows he could take Carl at this point.

Ashlieya: Yeah. I mean, well, yeah, yes. Anyone could. A gust of wind could blow him over.

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: So we have dinner. My mom goes off on her way, and it's me and my brother, and we get to the house. He warns me: he has this partner, he has, like, a fiancée person, and her name is Sarah and she's blind. And, of course, we make all these jokes, like, “Well, she would have to be,” right? Like, ha ha ha, all the things.

And I'm like, “All right, so it's gonna be at least Carl and Sarah. Okay.” So we get to the door. I knock on the door. A dog starts barking, and then there's a voice that I hear on the other side of the door. And I had to wonder, I had to question whether or not it was even him, because it was so much softer. It was so much softer than what I remembered.

And he opens the door, and he goes, “Come on in, guys.” And he's got a cane, and he’s got this just hunched‑over posture, and he looks so small, and he feels so small. He feels small. Just as my gaze is kind of scanning him up and down—this older, more frail, less physically able body—and then also energetically he felt so small. And he wouldn't make eye contact with me. He wouldn't make eye contact with me at all for the first, like, 20 minutes.

And yes, the house was disgusting. And Sarah is in this chair, and she's, you know, obese. She's a larger woman, and she's had all these surgeries, and you can tell that she was an underdeveloped baby. She was born with a different set of abilities than the rest of us physically. And her blindness was an ailment. She wasn't born blind, but she was born with a condition where she ended up going blind as a teenager.

She extends her hand out to me. I walk over to, you know, square up with her. Because she he can't square up with me, she doesn't know where I am. And I take her hand and say, “Thank you so much. Thank you for welcoming me, and thank you for receiving me in your home.” And she's like, “Yeah, we haven't heard your name.” It was like, “This is like, wow.”

My brother told Carl—he said, “I'm bringing my sister. She has questions.” They assumed it was the other sister.

Neff: Yeah.

Ashlieya: Because my brother didn't specify that it was me. So they were assuming it was my younger sister, Savannah. Savannah, who has been around, you know, a little bit. She had unfortunate run‑ins with Carl, of course, as well. But they knew Savannah from a few years ago. Carl and Sarah had been together for 11 years now at this point. So they were a little surprised, and that was a big part of why I think he couldn't look at me.

Neff: Yeah, he was probably processing. He had a lot of processing that he was doing. You know, thinking—I mean, I'm sure a lot of things went through his mind.

Ashlieya: And I was wanting to be kind, and I said, “You know, may I sit down?” And they're like, “Yes, of course.” And the wrestling is blaring on the TV, and, you know, there's no real proper place to sit at all. I sat on, like, you know, an ottoman. Sure enough, yeah, it was covered in dog hair and dirt, but whatever. I mean, you know, I was like, “This is fine.” I knew it. It was okay. I was emotionally prepared for this.

Small talk ensues, and it's predominantly being led by them. I think they were nervous talking. I don't think they were understanding why I was there. And so there was this kind of, you know… Go ahead…

Neff: Weren't they even just kind of talking between themselves for a little bit?

Ashlieya: Correct.

Neff: Like, they didn't even include you in the conversation a little bit, right?

Ashlieya: No. No questions directed towards me, no engagement, really. I would chime in, you know, a little bit, but it was predominantly them having a banter back and forth about traveling and the little flying that they've done recently, and, you know, how uncomfortable Carl is flying.

And, you know, I asked him about, you know, “How are you?” And he said, “Well, I was doing really well until a couple of years ago.” And I was like, “What happened a couple of years ago?” This accident, this surgery, and he can barely move, and, you know, all these things. Ailment, ailment, ailment, you know, just discomfort and pain, and, you know, this series of unfortunate events.

And I'm like, “I'm really sorry. That does sound difficult to move through, and I'm sorry that you're living with that.”

And then they're like, “Well, you know, we have this outdoor patio. Do we want to shift outside? It's really nice outside.” And, you know, Travis and I are like, “Yeah, okay, sure.” And so we change settings. We shift environments from inside to outside.

And they had this outdoor tent that they were calling their back patio. No judgment. Totally fine. I was like, “Okay, I'll do this.” The chair was filthy, and so my brother, just reading my mind, he got to have his heroic, very gentlemanly moment, which I was so proud of. He's such a sweet guy. I love him, my brother.

Now, we still don't have much of a relationship in a sibling way, but we respect each other. 

Neff: And he is a sweetheart. He's a very nice guy.

Ashlieya: Yes. Yes. He’s doing his best.

Neff: Yes.

Ashlieya: And he's breaking the cycle, which is all anyone can ask for.

Neff: Yeah, that's right.

Ashlieya: So I just kind of took my finger and slowly grazed it across this dirty seat, just to assess. 

Neff: …how dirty it was.

Ashlieya: Well, and how I was gonna navigate essentially abstaining from sitting, right?

I was going to declare that I was not going to be sitting in this chair, because I'm just not doing that. And so I was formulating very positively how I was going to declare this. And my brother took off his button‑up shirt, went down to just his tank top, and laid his shirt over the seat so that I could sit.

Neff: What a good brother.

Ashlieya: On his shirt. Yes, it was very kind. He was such a gentleman, proper gentleman, oh, I’m so proud. So pleased, so proud. I was like, “Thank you, thank you.” 

Neff: Well done, Travis. 

Ashlieya: “Thank you for being here. Thank you for that. Thank you. So grateful. Thank you.”

Sometimes the hardest journeys are the ones no one else can see—the choice to face the “monster,”to question the stories we grew up believing, and to discover that forgiveness is less about excusing the past and more about reclaiming who we are becoming.

In this first part of Ashlieya’s story, we’ve sat with the weight of childhood, the fear of becoming the villain, and the quiet, courageous work of rebuilding a sense of self.

In the next episode, we’ll go even deeper—into the moment she actually sits across from her estranged father, what he reveals about his own darkness, and how that conversation unlocks a different kind of compassion, one that doesn’t erase the harm, but transforms its power over her life.

If this episode stirred something in you,I invite you to take a breath, notice what surfaced, and carry that awareness with you into Part 2, as we keep learning what it means to be builders of a better world—from the inside out.

Thank you for joining us here at the Builders of a Better World podcast. Please share, subscribe, comment, and be sure to pass this episode along for anyone who may need it. See you next time.